In my Tedx talk, I introduce a simple model to receive feedback in a way that invites conversation, promotes learning, and strengthens relationships. Below is a more detailed overview of Receiving Feedback with TACT™. As with all models, be sure to adapt it to your style and context.

Don’t Wait, Ask for Feedback

A big mistake I see is waiting around for someone to give you feedback. There are two problems with this approach. One, most people will not give you the feedback due to fear or discomfort. Two, when you do get feedback, you might be taken off guard and not respond in a productive way. So, don’t wait, ask for the feedback.

Who Should I Ask?

Ideally, start with someone who you trust, interact with frequently, and who will be honest if you make it safe enough. As you build your muscles with feedback, this approach can also work well with people where the relationship is strained as long as there is some level of trust and respect. I highly recommend you do not use this approach with someone you consider to be malicious or untrustworthy. The risks will likely outweigh any benefits.

How to Ask for Feedback

The key is keeping the question narrow. Don’t say, “How am I doing as your manager?” as this question is too broad and they will likely respond “Great!” Also avoid saying “Do you have any feedback for me?” That’s a yes or no question with a lot of pressure to answer “no.” Say something like, “I’m trying to improve how I run our weekly staff meeting. What’s one thing I could do that would make it more valuable?”

Responding with TACT

The goal of this model is to make it safer for the feedback giver, so they are more honest and willing to engage you in conversation. Your goal is to learn so you can potentially make changes and strengthen the relationship.

Thankfulness

Both people in this conversation are likely nervous and could potentially have their fight/flight response triggered. So, your initial goal is not to respond to the feedback, it’s to help calm down this initial response. Starting with gratitude can help. This is easier said than done, especially if you’re feeling frustrated, attacked or angered by the feedback. I find it helpful to have a go-to phrase that will help ease you into the conversation: something that is genuine and that you can memorize. For me, it’s “I’m really glad you were willing to tell me.” Even if you don’t like or agree with the feedback, you can acknowledge that it took courage to say it.

Acknowledgement

You want the other person to feel seen and heard first because that will open up the conversation. If you defend or explain yourself before acknowledging, they will likely shut down or gear up for an argument. You don’t have to agree. Paraphrase back what you heard with empathy and seek to understand where they are coming from. As the conversation progresses, you can share your perspective, but focus on hearing them first.

Optionally, there are some additional steps you can take to help the conversation (all start with A). You can Ask Questions to learn more. Make sure they are curiosity-based questions and are not accusatory or leading. You could Apologize if the situation calls for it. Not every piece of feedback requires an apology, but if you’ve caused harm (like I did in my story in the Tedx talk), an apology might be all that’s needed to resolve the conversation. My favorite is that you can Ask for Help. This is so powerful because it turns a conversation that could be adversarial into a partnership. It displays humility and can lead to clearer, more helpful feedback.

Commitment

If you’ve ever given someone feedback and they heard you, but didn’t do anything in response, you know how frustrating that can be. It’s important you make a clear, specific commitment and follow through on it. If you agree with the feedback, be clear about the change you’re going to make and when you will make it. If you need time to process before responding, give them a specific date and time when you’ll follow up. If you ultimately don’t agree, you can still make a commitment. It could be to check in with other people to see if there’s a theme or to follow up again in six months. Whatever commitment you make, be sure it’s clear and specific and follow up once it’s completed.

Thankfulness

I love this part because it’s the easiest step and possibly the most impactful. Most of us don’t consistently do things that are painful or unpleasant (like giving feedback) unless there’s a benefit. The best reward is following through on your commitment, but that can take time. It can be helpful to reward the feedback immediately so it gets reinforced. After the conversation is over, provide one final act of gratitude. Send them an appreciative text or email, write them a thank-you note, take them to coffee, etc. Just do something to make it worth the risk to give you feedback and to signal that the relationship is still intact.

Creating Easy Ways to Give You Feedback

In my Tedx talk, I detail a difficult, life-changing piece of feedback I received from my co-worker and friend, Kristie. Eventually, Kristie coined the phrase “You’re doing your thing” as a short-cut way for her to tell me when I was being arrogant or condescending. It was the key to my growth and our strengthened relationship. Most of us have a “thing” that we do when we’re under stress or not at our best. It is also the thing that other people avoid discussing with us. You can help by giving people a simple way of giving you the feedback. One of my direct reports says in a very obnoxious voice, “Well, actually!” to me anytime I’m being a know-it-all. One executive I’ve worked with is a chronic interrupter (I can relate). When he was building trust with a new team, he set a small, plastic cow down on the table and said it was the “interrupting cow” and asked the team to loudly moo at him anytime he interrupted. It was a hit! It made it safe and simple for the team to speak up and give him real-time feedback. While it’s important we work to improve our bad habits, we likely will never correct them for good. With enough stress or difficulty, they will come out. By implementing these strategies, you create a safety net for yourself where the people in your life can easily give you feedback in real time so you can correct and repair as needed.

Get Started

This can feel overwhelming, so keep it simple. Pick one person and get started. Like all new skills, it will get easier with practice. I also recommend you share the model with your team. The whole process is easier when you do it together.

If you’re interested in integrating this model into your organization or team, we would love to work with you. Reach out to us at our contact page.